Closing My Exits

Naming the small ways we leave the relationship — and choosing to come back.

An 'exit' is anything you do that takes you out of the relationship without leaving it. Not divorce. Not infidelity (usually). The smaller, more constant ways: the extra hour at work, the second drink, the scroll, the side project that swallows your evenings.

What counts as an exit

• Working late more than the work actually requires.
• Drinking, smoking, eating, or shopping past the point of comfort.
• Hours of phone, gaming, streaming, or social media — used to numb, not enjoy.
• Pouring all your energy into kids, parents, or friends so there's none left for your partner.
• Special interests or hobbies that consistently take precedence over connection.
• Going silent. Stonewalling. Becoming chronically 'too tired' for sex or conversation.

Why this matters for neurodiverse couples: Special interests and deep-focus work are not exits by default. The question is whether they are also a way to avoid the relationship. Sensory overwhelm and shutdown are not exits — those are nervous system events. But chronic, predictable shutdown can become one. Be honest, not punishing.

A gentle note: Some exits — substance dependence, compulsive behavior, untreated depression — need their own treatment, not just a worksheet. Please bring those to your therapist or a specialist.

Step 1 — Identify your exits

Look at the examples above. What three behaviors of yours, if you are honest, are pulling you out of the relationship — even a little? Don't soften them.

Exit 01

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Exit 02

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Exit 03

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Now pick one — which exit do you want to look at most closely?

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Step 2 — Understand one exit, deeply

There are no right answers — only honest ones. The honesty is the work.

I tend to use this exit when…

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The pain I am trying to avoid feeling is…

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What it costs me to use this exit is…

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What it costs my partner when I use this exit is…

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One small thing I could do to start closing this exit is…

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Exits close slowly: You don't slam an exit shut. You notice yourself heading for it, and turn back a little sooner each time.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Staying Close, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Stay close in ordinary weeks: small daily moments and a short check-in that fits you both.
• Alone Time, Together Time, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why 'I need space' is a recharge, not rejection; how parallel time counts as togetherness; and how neurodiverse couples budget their time.
• The Understanding Gap, from The Neurodiverse Couple. The cycle behind neurodiverse-couple distress, and how naming it together starts to close the gap.