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Every Kid in the House
Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing. It means everyone gets what they need - including the kid who never asks. This sheet helps you spot the child who's gone quiet, and turn 'fair isn't same' into an actual plan.
Works for two kids or four: Fill in a block for each - and let the ones that sting be information, not guilt.
Each kid, one at a time
Child 1
Name & age:
______________________________________________
What this kid needs most right now:
______________________________________________
What they're worried about but might not say:
______________________________________________
How do they show stress? (check any)
- [ ] Gets quiet
- [ ] Gets perfect
- [ ] Gets angry
- [ ] Disappears into screens
- [ ] Clings
Other:
______________________________________________
The last time they had me completely to themselves:
______________________________________________
Child 2
Name & age:
______________________________________________
What this kid needs most right now:
______________________________________________
What they're worried about but might not say:
______________________________________________
How do they show stress? (check any)
- [ ] Gets quiet
- [ ] Gets perfect
- [ ] Gets angry
- [ ] Disappears into screens
- [ ] Clings
Other:
______________________________________________
The last time they had me completely to themselves:
______________________________________________
Child 3
Name & age:
______________________________________________
What this kid needs most right now:
______________________________________________
What they're worried about but might not say:
______________________________________________
How do they show stress? (check any)
- [ ] Gets quiet
- [ ] Gets perfect
- [ ] Gets angry
- [ ] Disappears into screens
- [ ] Clings
Other:
______________________________________________
The last time they had me completely to themselves:
______________________________________________
More than three kids? Print a second copy for the rest - every kid gets a block.
Glass-child check
Yes/no - no score. One honest yes is information; three is a pattern worth acting on this week.
- [ ] One of my kids rarely asks for anything
- [ ] One gets described as 'so easy' or 'the mature one'
- [ ] One apologizes for needing things
- [ ] One knows way more about their sibling's needs than any kid should
- [ ] I've said 'not now' to the same child three requests in a row
- [ ] One child's events or wins get rescheduled around the other's needs
Fair-isn't-same translator
What each child needs, and what that actually looks like this week.
Example — What this child needs: Decompression after school · What that looks like this week: Child A: 30 min alone, headphones. Child B: 15 min of me, undivided, snack + debrief.
Row 2
- What this child needs: ____________________
- What that looks like this week: ____________________
Row 3
- What this child needs: ____________________
- What that looks like this week: ____________________
The one-on-one plan
15 protected minutes per kid, doing what THEY pick. The rule: this doesn't get canceled because of a meltdown elsewhere - it gets moved, visibly, to a named new time.
Child 1 - day:
______________________________________________
time:
______________________________________________
their choice:
______________________________________________
Child 2 - day:
______________________________________________
time:
______________________________________________
their choice:
______________________________________________
Child 3 - day:
______________________________________________
time:
______________________________________________
their choice:
______________________________________________
When siblings ask hard questions
The questions siblings ask, with identity-positive answers to make your own.
Example — They ask: Why does he get away with it? · A way to answer: 'He's not getting away with it - he needs different things right now, the way you do sometimes too.'
Example — They ask: Will I catch it? · A way to answer: 'Autism isn't something you catch - it's how someone's brain is built from the very start.'
Example — They ask: Why can't we ever...? · A way to answer: 'I know it's felt that way lately. Let's plan something that's just ours.'
My own words for the questions my kids ask:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
What I'll say out loud this week
One sentence of appreciation per child - written now so it actually gets said.
To child 1:
______________________________________________
To child 2:
______________________________________________
To child 3:
______________________________________________
Especially the easy one: Every kid in your house is lucky to have a parent thinking this hard about them - including the easy one. Especially the easy one.
Go deeper
Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.
- Siblings and Family Balance, from Parenting Autism. Fair isn't the same as same.
- Talking With Your Child About Their Autism, from Parenting Autism. When and how to tell your child they're autistic — drip-feed disclosure, identity-positive language, hard questions, siblings.