How to Respond When a Concern Comes Up

Your partner says there is something they want to talk about. Before you have decided anything, something in you has already responded. This worksheet is about that gap — what fires first, and what you can put there instead.

What runs underneath

The thought that comes first: "Here we go again. Why do we have to rehash the same thing over and over? It is only going to turn into a fight. We do not need to talk about it — we just need to try harder to be kind to each other and then everything will be fine."

When that thought is running, one of six things usually comes out of your mouth. None of them are cruel. All of them are doing a job: getting you out of a conversation your body has decided is dangerous.

Six ways the conversation gets closed

Example — What comes out: "Can't we talk about this later?" · What it is doing: Avoiding

Example — What comes out: "If you would just ______, we wouldn't have a problem." · What it is doing: Deflecting

Example — What comes out: "What did I do now?" · What it is doing: Defensive

Example — What comes out: "You're always complaining about something." · What it is doing: Deflecting

Example — What comes out: "Just tell me what you want me to do." · What it is doing: Appeasing

Example — What comes out: One-word answers — "yes," "no," "alright" · What it is doing: Shutting down

Find yours. Most people have one or two they reach for again and again. Naming it is not an admission of anything — it is the only way to catch it before it speaks for you.

First pass: what is my body doing?

Before the thought, there is a physical signal. How do you know you are uncomfortable? Is your heart rate climbing? Is there muscle tension, faster breathing, pressure in your head or your stomach? Do you feel numb? Is there an urge to shut down or to get away?

What I notice in my body right now

e.g. Be literal. Jaw, shoulders, chest, stomach, breath, temperature, the urge to move.

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Second pass: what am I thinking?

How might your past experiences with conflict be showing up in this moment? What would it be like to practice a healthier way of having this conversation instead of avoiding it? How might the relationship improve if the two of you can work on this? How can you both keep this conversation safe?

What is showing up from before, and what I want instead

e.g. What conflict used to mean, what you are afraid it means now, and what you would rather do with it.

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Then say one of these

Pick one and check it. You are aiming for vulnerable and honest, for naming your need, and for making it clear the two of you are not enemies. Say it out loud if that works for you, or send it in a message if that is easier to get out.

• [ ] "This is one of those moments when I'm afraid we'll get into a fight and feel disconnected the rest of the day. I also know it's not a good idea for us to avoid uncomfortable topics."
• [ ] "I'm feeling anxious about this conversation. I need some time to gather my thoughts and settle a bit. I'd like to come back to this at ______." (Name the time and place, and set a reminder.)
• [ ] "How can we work on this together without making each other the enemy?"
• [ ] "It will help me going into this if I can get some reassurance that, even though you have something you want to work on, it doesn't mean you see me as a failure. Can you help me with that?"

Or in my own words

e.g. Same job: name what you feel, name what you need, and make it clear you are on the same side.

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The reaction is not the answer: Avoiding, deflecting, appeasing and going quiet all worked at some point, or you would not still be doing them. They are old protection, not proof that you don't care. The moment you can feel one starting is the moment you get to pick a different line.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Impact and Intent, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Acknowledge the impact first, then the intention, then explain, and the defensiveness eases.
• Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Reflective listening adapted for autistic and ADHD partners: say one thing, say it back, check that it landed.
• RSD and Conflict, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why small feedback can land as a huge wound — 'RSD' (a popular term, not a diagnosis), the science underneath, and how to give feedback that lands.