Money, Trust, and Teamwork

Money can be a tool that strengthens a relationship, or it can become a wedge between the two of you. Which one it becomes usually has less to do with how much you have and more to do with how openly you talk about it.

This worksheet has three parts. First, an honest inventory of where financial trust stands right now. Second, a map of the money habits you each grew up watching. Third, seven questions to sit down and answer together.

Part 1 — Trust Inventory

Read each statement and check it if it is true for you right now. There is no score at the end. The point is to see, plainly, what you have been carrying.

• [ ] Your partner lies to other people about what is spent or earned.
• [ ] When you want to talk about money, your partner becomes defensive or refuses to discuss it.
• [ ] Your partner handles all of the bill paying and does not want you to know anything about the household finances.
• [ ] You have realized that your partner is spending more than the two of you can afford.
• [ ] The two of you argue about money more often than you used to.
• [ ] You have discovered a secret bank account or a secret debt.
• [ ] Your partner's spending habits changed suddenly.
• [ ] One or both of you has started revenge spending.
• [ ] Your partner has lied to you about money before.
• [ ] You have a gut feeling that your partner is hiding something from you about your finances.
• [ ] You do not trust your partner when it comes to money.

Look back at anything you checked. What is the one you would most want your partner to understand, and what would you want them to know about it?

e.g. Write it the way you would want it heard, not the way it comes out in an argument.

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Part 2 — Where Your Money Habits Came From

The way the family you grew up in handled money has a deep influence on how the two of you handle it now — and on how you feel about it. Most money arguments are two inherited systems colliding, not two people failing.

Fill in what you remember for each person. Short notes are fine — a word, a phrase, a yes or no. Leave a cell blank if you did not see it or do not know. The last column is for how the two of you do it together today.

Money patterns across the generations

Attitude — outlook — Scarcity or abundance?

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Attitude — cash or credit?

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Attitude — spending money — Did it bring guilt or freedom?

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Attitude — debt — Treated as normal, or as something bad?

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Communication — openly discussed money

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Communication — avoided conversations about money

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Communication — lied about money

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Behavior — spent more than they could afford

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Behavior — impulsive spending

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Behavior — revenge spending

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Behavior — saver

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Behavior — gave to charity or to others

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Budget — set a budget

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Budget — ignored the budget

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Budget — separate or joint accounts?

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Budget — who actually paid the bills

• Partner 1's father: ____________________
• Partner 1's mother: ____________________
• Partner 2's father: ____________________
• Partner 2's mother: ____________________
• Our family now: ____________________

Part 3 — The Money Conversation

At least four times a year, it helps to sit down and go through your finances in depth. Pick a neutral time and a neutral place — not the moment a bill arrives, and not the end of a long day. These questions help you both know where you actually stand, and they make a financial surprise far easier to handle when one comes.

Answer these together rather than separately. If you disagree on an answer, that disagreement is the useful part — write down both versions.

1. Location of important documents — do you both know where the insurance paperwork, wills, tax information, account numbers, and investment information are kept?

e.g. If only one of you knows, this is the easiest thing on the list to fix today.

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2. Current debts and assets — how much do the two of you owe, and what do you own?

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3. Budget — where does your money actually go each month?

e.g. Even a rough budget counts. If you do not have one that works, use this space to start sketching one.

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4. Financial planning — what are your goals for the future, and how much progress have you made toward them?

e.g. If you do not have goals yet, set a couple — one short-term, one long-term.

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5. Financial vulnerability — where are the two of you most exposed right now?

e.g. Job security, overspending, not enough income, too much debt. Then decide together on one thing that would strengthen your position.

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6. Bill paying — who actually sits down and pays the bills? Did one of you volunteer, or did it just land there? Is that arrangement still working?

______________________________________________

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7. Financial differences — how are your upbringing, your culture, and the messages you each received shaping the way you approach money? Do you know what your financial personalities are?

e.g. Part 2 of this worksheet is good material for this answer.

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Secrecy costs more than debt: Couples rarely recover from a number. They recover from numbers all the time. What is hard to come back from is finding out late — that there was an account, a balance, or a decision you were kept outside of. Saying the number out loud, however bad it is, is almost always cheaper than protecting your partner from it.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Money, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The money session for a neurodiverse couple: two money brains, where each came from, what each protects, and one system with room for both.
• Money, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why money is the hardest fight for neurodiverse couples, and how to move money onto a system.
• Trust and the Resentment Backlog, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How trust erodes in a neurodiverse couple, why lying is often shame not malice, and how to mend.