Motivation to Talk

If you want your neurodivergent spouse to talk to you more, the way you ask matters as much as what you ask. This worksheet is for the partner doing the asking — a careful look at the small, often-invisible habits that either invite your partner to open up or quietly shut them down.

Before you start: This is written for the partner who wants more conversation. It's not about fixing your spouse — it's about removing the obstacles that make talking feel unsafe or pointless to them.

What Helps — Things to Do

Read each one. Check the ones you're willing to commit to.

• [ ] When I ask a question, allow time to answer — without explaining why they're wrong or don't make sense
• [ ] Don't pounce on the first thing that seems to contradict an earlier answer (no cross-examining)
• [ ] Hold my tongue and not interrupt — letting them complete their thought process shows respect
• [ ] If I do interrupt, do it only to repeat back what they're saying — not to shift to my own narrative
• [ ] Give them the questions in writing
• [ ] Use phrases like 'tell me more about that' and 'that's interesting — what allowed you to do that?'
• [ ] Give them time to think and get the nerve up to answer (thinking about something does NOT mean they're lying)
• [ ] Use 'I'd be interested to hear how you see...'
• [ ] Use 'I know you don't really want to, but it would mean a lot to me if you told me about...'
• [ ] If it's true, admit I haven't really listened in the past — then really listen to their response to that

What Hurts — Things to Avoid

These are the moves that reliably shut the conversation down. Check the ones you know you do.

• [ ] 'Entrapment' questions — leading them toward the answer I think they SHOULD give, or re-phrasing until they answer only the way I want
• [ ] 'Feeling' questions too early ('how did you feel when...') — quite likely they weren't thinking about any of that (feelings come in a different exercise)
• [ ] Starting these conversations late at night
• [ ] Not setting a time limit — agree on one, say what it is, and stick to it
• [ ] Jumping around between subjects instead of sticking to one at a time

Putting It Into Practice

The time limit I'll propose for our talks:

______________________________________________

The one topic I want to ask about next:

______________________________________________

The one shutting-down habit I most need to drop — and what I'll do instead:

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

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A note on tone: The original version of this exercise framed the talking partner as 'him.' It applies to a partner of any gender. The aim throughout is respect: giving the other person room to think, answer, and be believed.

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Reflective listening adapted for autistic and ADHD partners: say one thing, say it back, check that it landed.
• Communication Breakdowns and Misreads, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Everyday communication breakdowns in neurodiverse couples — missed hints, flat tone read as anger — and concrete skills to ask clearly and repair.
• For Supporters, from The Neurodivergent Brain. For partners, parents, and friends of neurodivergent people: the gap from your side, and what actually helps.