Red Yellow Green

Anger Management: Disengage Without Damage · Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center

Three stages, three cards. Red is a break. Yellow is slowing down together. Green is talking and listening about the actual content. Either partner can call Red. From Yellow you can step back to Red if you need it, or move forward to Green.

Red — Break

Breathe. Break. Commit.

Say this, then leave: “I love you too much to fight. Let's try again at ______ (time) and ______ (place).”

How the break works

• Either of you can say the line above. Then leave.
• If you disagree about the time or place, do not negotiate. The person who leaves proposes a time and place later.
• Do not follow. Do not say anything else.
• Use self-soothing while you are apart: breathing, a shower, exercise, prayer, meditation, talking to a friend, time in nature, a hobby, anger worksheets, journaling.

Yellow — Slow Down

Slow down. Big picture.

Say this together: “I love you. Let's slow down.”

How slowing down works

• Take three slow, deep breaths.
• Set aside the current content.
• Both of you say the line above.
• Consider whether an old wound has been triggered. If it has, share the wound.
• One person goes into listen-and-reflect-only mode.
• Switch listener and talker.
• Offer comfort and empathy — touch, affirmation.
• Decide together whether you need a break (Red) or can continue on to Green.

Green — Talk & Listen

Talk and listen. Content.

How the conversation works

• Return to the content.
• Take turns with reflective listening.
• Rate how strongly you each feel, from 1 to 10.
• Offer options for real-life experiments.
• Discuss the pros and cons of each option.
• Agree to an experiment, or set a time to discuss it later.
• Check back in a week and review how the experiment went.

What I want to remember from this

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Leaving is not abandoning: Walking out mid-argument can land as abandonment, which is why the line matters more than the exit. Naming a time and a place turns a break into a promise — you are not ending the conversation, you are protecting it.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Naming the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Draw one ordinary fight as a loop, tell a shutdown from stonewalling, name the pattern, and agree on a pause with a time to come back.
• Meltdowns, Shutdowns, and the Partner's Role, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Telling a meltdown from a shutdown from an argument, the iceberg of load beneath the trigger, what helps in the moment, and the plan you build in advance.
• Repair Cycles That Actually Work for ND Brains, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Repair after a fight is the top predictor of lasting love — but standard advice backfires for ND brains.