Sexual Brakes

Most desire problems aren't low accelerator — they're high brake. For ND folks, the brakes often come from masking exhaustion, sensory accumulation, RSD anticipation, and autistic shutdown — things rarely on standard brake lists. This worksheet names yours.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

Each partner fills their own copy. Specific, not 'I'm just stressed.' Pay extra attention to the ND-specific brakes — these tend to be the heaviest. Pick ONE brake to lift this week — smallest, most concrete one. Re-audit in a month.

Name

______________________________________________

Date

______________________________________________

ND-specific brakes — the ones rarely named

• [ ] Masking exhaustion — I have spent the day camouflaging and have nothing left
• [ ] Sensory accumulation — the day has filled my sensory tank; I am full before sex starts
• [ ] RSD anticipation — I expect to be declined or criticized; the fear is louder than desire
• [ ] Autistic shutdown — I look withdrawn but I am not rejecting; I am out of capacity
• [ ] Demand sensitivity — even the request to have sex turns it into a demand and shuts me down
• [ ] Hyperfocus rip-out — I was deep in something else and my partner's bid felt like an interruption
• [ ] Touch-surprise startle — touch I did not expect activates my nervous system as threat
• [ ] Routine break — the usual signals were missing; the situation felt unpredictable
• [ ] Eye-contact strain — sustained eye contact during sex drains, not connects
• [ ] Verbal-while-sexual overload — having to talk during sex pulls cognitive resources from feeling
• [ ] Special interest pull — the topic I cannot stop thinking about is louder than my body
• [ ] Burnout from camouflaging — whole-life masking has flattened my desire signal

My top two ND brakes to lift

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Other brakes — more universal ones

Internal brakes (inside me)

• [ ] Stress, fatigue, depleted state
• [ ] Body image distress or shame
• [ ] Performance anxiety, fear of failing
• [ ] Distraction (mental load, work, phone)
• [ ] Pain or physical discomfort
• [ ] Self-criticism / spectatoring during sex
• [ ] Family-of-origin or religious shame

External brakes (the situation)

• [ ] Cold or chaotic bedroom environment
• [ ] Pressure to perform or finish
• [ ] Time pressure / feeling rushed
• [ ] Unfinished argument with my partner
• [ ] Lack of emotional connection earlier in the day
• [ ] Kids, pets, lack of privacy

Specific things my partner does/says that close me down

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Removal plan

Brakes are not personality: They are conditions you can change.

An ND-specific brake my partner did not know about

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What I want my partner to do differently when I am in shutdown

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

An accommodation I want to ask for

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What we'll try first

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Brakes aren't a verdict: Naming a brake doesn't mean it's permanent or that anyone is to blame. It means you now know where to be gentle.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.