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Splitting the Household Chores
Who does what — and why you keep fighting about it.
How your family of origin handled chores quietly shapes how you split work now — and how you feel about it. This worksheet brings those invisible expectations into the open.
A note for neurodiverse couples: Executive function differences are real. 'Just do it' is not advice; it's a wall. If a chore feels overwhelming (mark it O), that's important data — not a moral failing. What 'done' means may be very different between partners.
Partner A
______________________________________________
Partner B
______________________________________________
Quick key: Feels: L = love it · H = hate it · N = neutral · O = overwhelms me. Who does it: A = Partner A · B = Partner B · 2 = both/shared · X = outsourced
For each chore, note who handled it in each of your families growing up (mom, dad, both, nobody, a sibling…), how each of you feels about it now, and who does it in your home today. Use the key above for the feelings and who-does-it codes.
Daily tasks
Prepare breakfast
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Cook dinner
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Set the table
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Do the dishes
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Make the bed
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Take out trash & recycling
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Pet care
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Water plants
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Do laundry
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Sort mail
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Run daily errands
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Cleaning & upkeep
Buy groceries
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Buy household supplies
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Clean the kitchen
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Clean the bathroom
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Vacuum, sweep, mop
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Dust
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Change the sheets
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Replace lightbulbs / batteries
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Small repairs
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Tech maintenance
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Manage subscriptions
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Outdoor & home
Maintain the cars
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Mow the lawn
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Rake leaves / shovel snow
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Plan & plant the garden
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Garden upkeep
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Larger home maintenance
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Organize garage / storage
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Manage waste pickup
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Paperwork & admin
Pay bills
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Manage banking
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Manage investments
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Manage internet/phone/streaming
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Manage insurance
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Doctor & dentist appointments
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Tax prep & filing
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Track family calendar
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Social & life-around-the-house
Plan weekend activities
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Plan vacations
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Make restaurant reservations
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Send cards & gifts
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Plan holidays
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Religious / spiritual commitments
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
Maintain friendships
- In A's family, who did this?: ____________________
- In B's family, who did this?: ____________________
- A feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- B feels (L/H/N/O): ____________________
- Who does it now (A/B/2/X): ____________________
What does 'done' look like?
Half of all chore fights aren't about who does the chore — they're about whether it's been done. Pick the chores that cause the most friction and write down what 'done' means for each of you.
For Partner A — what does 'done' mean for our friction chores?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
For Partner B — what does 'done' mean for our friction chores?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
What patterns from your family of origin do you want to keep? Which do you not want to repeat?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
Where's the biggest imbalance — and is it actually fair?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
When will you revisit this? (pick a date in the next 3 months)
______________________________________________
Revisit before resentment does: Chore splits drift. Put the review date in a calendar now, because nobody spontaneously reopens this conversation.
Go deeper
Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.
- Chores, Duties, and Who Carries the Load, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Chores and duties in neurodiverse couples: talking about them without blame, sharing the hidden work, and handing over whole areas.
- Executive Function and the Mental Load, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why 'I forgot' is an executive-function lapse, not 'I don't care,' and systems that carry the load.
- The Roles We Fall Into, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How couples drift into lopsided roles and the parent-child trap, and how to renegotiate around real strengths.
- ADHD in Love, from The Adult ADHD Course. How ADHD reshapes relationships, from the nag-withdraw cycle to the mental load, and the way back to a team.