Strong Follow-Up Questions

Couples who stay curious about each other fare better over the long run — they adapt to change, navigate bumps with resilience, and keep intimacy alive through a sense of discovery. But curiosity is a practice, and most of us get out of practice as familiarity grows.

You can start great, with a list of questions, and still feel the conversation fall flat. Usually that means the follow-ups ran out. This worksheet is a toolkit for the second question — the one that keeps things flowing instead of stalling.

The Building-Block Words

When you're not sure how to go deeper, reach for one of these. They almost always open a door.

• Who?
• What?
• How?
• Why?
• Where?
• When?
• Meaning?
• And…?

How it works in practice: If your partner says they have a sister, the follow-ups write themselves: 'Where does she live?' 'What's your relationship like with her now?' 'How are you like her — and how are you different?' One fact, three doors.

Curiosity Phrases

Sometimes you don't need a question — just an invitation to say more. Try these.

• Tell me more — I want to know you better.
• Fill me in, I want all the details.
• Okay, now I'm curious. Can you say more?
• I want to hear the story behind that.

Twenty Strong Follow-Ups

Keep these handy. Pick a few that feel natural to you and practice them this week.

• Can you tell me more about that?
• What meaning do you make of that?
• How did you feel when that happened?
• What changed for you when that happened?
• I imagine you're feeling ___. Is that true for you?
• How did / does that impact you?
• What do you mean by ___?
• What did you learn from that experience?
• What were / are you hoping for in that situation?
• What advice would you give yourself about that?
• How do you make sense of that experience?
• What changes when you think that?
• What stories are you creating about that?
• How have you tried to address this before?
• What was your intent in that situation?
• How do you interpret that?
• What would you do differently if you had it to do over?
• How did you contribute to that situation?
• How do you want this to be different in the future?
• How can I support you with that?

Practice

The two or three follow-ups that feel most natural for me to use:

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After trying them in a real conversation — what changed about how it went?

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A neurodiverse note: Follow-up questions are a gift to a partner who finds open-ended conversation hard — they give a clear, concrete next step instead of a vague 'tell me about your day.' Go gently, though: give processing time, and don't fire several in a row.

Source: Adapted from 'Conversation Starters for Connected Couples' by Gina Senarighi (2018). The neurodiverse guidance and exercises here are our own.

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Reflective listening adapted for autistic and ADHD partners: say one thing, say it back, check that it landed.
• Staying Close, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Stay close in ordinary weeks: small daily moments and a short check-in that fits you both.
• Communication Across Neurotypes, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why autistic and non-autistic people misunderstand each other: the double empathy problem, direct vs indirect styles, and cross-neurotype repair.