Ten-Step Problem Solving

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All couples have differences and disagreements. Studies suggest that the number of disagreements matters far less to a couple's happiness than the way those disagreements are handled. Happy couples do not avoid disagreement. They listen to each other first, with compassion and understanding, and then work on resolving it while staying respectful. This ten-step model is a simple way to do that and to steer clear of the common destructive patterns. Use it on an ongoing issue in your relationship, and on the ones that come up later.

Step 1 — Set a time and place for the discussion

e.g. e.g. Sunday 10 am, the kitchen table

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Step 2 — Define the problem. Be specific.

e.g. One problem, described so precisely that you would both recognize it happening.

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Step 3 — Partner 1: the ways you contribute to causing this problem

e.g. Your own part only. Not your partner's.

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Step 3 — Partner 2: the ways you contribute to causing this problem

e.g. Your own part only. Not your partner's.

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Step 4 — Past attempts to resolve this that did not work

e.g. What you have already tried, and how far it got.

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Step 5 — Brainstorm. Pool your new ideas and try to list ten possible solutions. Do not judge or criticize any suggestion at this point, including your own.

Ten possible solutions

e.g. Number them 1 to 10. Keep going past the obvious ones.

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Step 6 — Discuss and evaluate each solution

e.g. Be as objective as you can. How useful and how appropriate does each one feel for this issue?

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Step 7 — The one solution you agree to try

e.g. Pick one.

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How long you will try it

e.g. e.g. three weeks

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Step 8 — Partner 1: specifically, what you will do

e.g. As specific as possible — what, when, how often.

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Step 8 — Partner 2: specifically, what you will do

e.g. As specific as possible — what, when, how often.

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Step 9 — Set up another meeting to discuss your progress

Place

e.g. Where you will meet

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Date and time

e.g. e.g. 10/12/2026, 7:00 pm

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Step 10 — Reward each other for progress

When you notice your partner making a positive contribution toward the solution, say so out loud. Praise the effort, not only the result.

Ten ideas beat one good one: The point of listing ten solutions is not that the tenth will be brilliant. It is that somewhere around the sixth you both stop defending the answer you walked in with and start building something neither of you had before.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

Naming the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Draw one ordinary fight as a loop, tell a shutdown from stonewalling, name the pattern, and agree on a pause with a time to come back.
When Things Go Wrong, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. When something goes wrong between you, in any area, a way to talk it through and repair: pause, each side, the feeling underneath, a request.
Building Your Couple Operating Manual, from The Neurodiverse Couple. The capstone: turn everything you've learned into one shared couple operating manual — map your two systems and write agreements that actually stick.

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