The 3-Penny Exercise

Have you heard the expression "a penny for your thoughts"? This exercise lets you value each other's thoughts by slowing your conversation down into a real dialogue — so you can both be heard and understood.

Setup

Each partner finds three pennies — or special coins, if you'd rather — and keeps them in a pocket where you can reach them.

• [ ] We each have our three coins ready

How It Works

• When the relationship feels strained or a conversation starts to escalate, one partner says: "A penny for your thoughts?"
• The other partner takes their time to formulate one careful sentence — then says it, and hands over one penny.
• They say a second sentence, and hand over a second penny.
• They say a third sentence, and hand over the last penny.
• Now reverse: the other partner does the same three-sentence, three-penny round.
• Keep the process going for up to 15 minutes, then take a break.

Neurodiverse option: The listening partner reflects back what was said after each penny exchange, before taking their own turn. This makes sure each sentence actually landed before the next one is spent.

Afterward

Take a moment, separately or together, to notice how the structure changed the conversation.

What did slowing down to one sentence at a time change about how this conversation went?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

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When in our week would reaching for the pennies help most?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

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Where we'll keep our coins so they're always within reach:

______________________________________________

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Reflective listening adapted for autistic and ADHD partners: say one thing, say it back, check that it landed.
• Communication Breakdowns and Misreads, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Everyday communication breakdowns in neurodiverse couples — missed hints, flat tone read as anger — and concrete skills to ask clearly and repair.
• Repair Cycles That Actually Work for ND Brains, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Repair after a fight is the top predictor of lasting love — but standard advice backfires for ND brains.