The Three-Sentence Formula

A small, non-blaming shape for asking your partner for a change.

When something needs to change, the reflex is to say what your partner is doing wrong. 'You always…' or 'You never…' Almost no one responds well to a sentence that starts that way. The Three-Sentence Formula gives you a small shape for asking for change without pushing your partner into defending themselves.

The formula

• Describe the current situation. Neutrally. 'We don't greet each other when we get home.'
• Describe what you'd like instead. 'I'd like us to find each other and say hello when we walk in.'
• Share why you're asking. 'It would help me feel acknowledged and connected.'

A gentle note: This is a tool for ordinary requests, not for big issues like betrayal, abuse, or chronic harm. Those need a therapist, not a formula.

Practice — three requests

Don't try to write the most important thing first. Start with something medium-sized. The point is to learn the shape; the heavy stuff goes easier after you've practiced on the small stuff.

Request One

Current situation — what is, neutrally. No 'you.'

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Desired situation — what you'd like instead

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Why you're asking — your reason, your need

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Request Two

Current situation

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Desired situation

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Why you're asking

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Request Three

Current situation

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Desired situation

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Why you're asking

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Reflect

Which sentence was hardest to write — the current, the desired, or the why?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What's the very next request you want to try this on?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Practice on small things first: Try the formula on a low-stakes request before you use it on the one that matters. The words come easier when the stakes are low.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Underneath the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session under the loop for a neurodiverse couple: the deeper feeling named, said to your partner and heard, then turned into a clear request.
• Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Reflective listening adapted for autistic and ADHD partners: say one thing, say it back, check that it landed.
• Communication Breakdowns and Misreads, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Everyday communication breakdowns in neurodiverse couples — missed hints, flat tone read as anger — and concrete skills to ask clearly and repair.
• RSD and Conflict, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why small feedback can land as a huge wound — 'RSD' (a popular term, not a diagnosis), the science underneath, and how to give feedback that lands.