Two Perspectives Are Always There

Four small exercises for noticing your partner's view, especially when yours feels obviously right.

It's surprisingly common to assume that everyone in the room sees a situation the same way you do. For some neurodivergent partners — particularly those with an autistic profile — this assumption can run deeper: the idea that another valid perspective even exists may be genuinely new information.

A gentle note: The point is not to declare a winner. If either of you finds yourselves trying to prove your view is the 'correct' one, pause — that's the old pattern, not the practice.

Exercise 1 — The bunny or the duck

There's a famous illustration that can be seen as either a duck or a bunny — both at once. Most people see one first; the other takes effort. Once you've seen both, you can switch at will.

Pick a moment from this past week where you saw a situation one way and your partner saw it another. Whose view did you see first? Can you, with effort, see the other?

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Exercise 2 — The 6 or the 9

Imagine a number drawn on the floor between you. From your side it's a 6. From your partner's side, exactly the same number is a 9. Both of you are right; standing where they stand is the only way to see what they see.

Pick a recent disagreement. From where you stand, what do you see? Now picture standing where your partner stands. What's there from that side?

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Exercise 3 — One pizza, one napkin

Imagine a pizza next to a napkin. How many items? Two. Now slice the pizza into six pieces. How many? You could say two, or seven. Both right — depending on what you're counting.

Pick something you've disagreed on this month. What were you counting? What was your partner counting?

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Exercise 4 — Fair is not equal

Two people are trying to see over a tall fence. One is shorter. Strict equality gives each one box; the taller still sees better. Fairness gives the shorter two boxes. Sometimes doing something unequal is what makes things fair.

Where in your relationship has 'equal' been the wrong measure? Where has one of you needed more support, time, or accommodation than the other to feel fair?

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Apply — today's disagreement

Pick something live. Not the biggest one — just a real one. The goal isn't to resolve it. The goal is to see your partner's view well enough that you could explain it back to them.

An active disagreement or stuck point between you (brief)

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My view, in two or three sentences — what I see, what I want, why it matters to me

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My best, most generous guess at my partner's view — in their voice, not yours

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What might each of you actually be counting?

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A gentle note: If your version of your partner's view comes out flat, dismissive, or reduces them to wanting something silly — write it again. The exercise is over the moment you start using it to win.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Where You Misread Each Other, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session where a neurodiverse couple finds where they guess each other's feelings wrong, in both directions, and writes down what was true.
• Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Reflective listening adapted for autistic and ADHD partners: say one thing, say it back, check that it landed.
• Two Operating Systems, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why neurodiverse partners misread each other, and why the answer is to translate, not fix.
• Communication Across Neurotypes, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why autistic and non-autistic people misunderstand each other: the double empathy problem, direct vs indirect styles, and cross-neurotype repair.