Values, Not Verdicts

Some people land here genuinely unable to control a behavior. Others land here because a behavior collides with something they were taught to believe - and the distress is real, but it's a different problem with a different solution. This worksheet helps you tell the difference, so you don't end up treating a values conflict as if it were an addiction.

Distress isn't proof of disorder: Feeling guilty or ashamed about a sexual behavior doesn't automatically mean something's wrong with you. Sometimes it means the behavior clashes with a rule you absorbed - often one you never consciously chose.

Where did the rule come from?

Think about the sexual behavior you're distressed about. Where did you learn it was wrong or shameful?

• [ ] Family
• [ ] Religion or faith community
• [ ] Culture or community
• [ ] A partner or ex
• [ ] Media or peers
• [ ] I'm not actually sure

What's the message I absorbed, and who from?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Do I still hold this belief?

There's a difference between a rule handed to you and a value you actually hold as an adult.

Example — A rule I absorbed: Any sexual interest outside the 'norm' is shameful · Do I actually still believe this now?: ...

Row 2

• A rule I absorbed: ____________________
• Do I actually still believe this now?: ____________________

Row 3

• A rule I absorbed: ____________________
• Do I actually still believe this now?: ____________________

What do I genuinely believe?

Setting aside what I was taught, what do I actually believe about this behavior now?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

If the shame lifted, would this still feel like a problem to me?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

If it's mostly values, the work is clarity - not quitting: If your distress is mainly about a belief you no longer fully hold, the path forward is values clarification, maybe with a therapist - not treating yourself like an addict. And if you do still hold the value, that's okay too: you get to align your behavior with it, without shame doing the driving.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Understanding Sex Addiction, from Sex Addiction Recovery. Compulsive sexual behavior is a learned cycle, not a moral failure.
• Shame, Self-Worth & Identity, from Sex Addiction Recovery. Shame ('I am bad') fuels compulsive behavior; guilt ('I did something') heals it.