What's Going On Between Us?

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When something in a relationship keeps hurting, it can be genuinely hard to tell what it is. Two people wired differently can collide in good faith and both end up hurt — and sometimes a pattern is actually harmful. Often you can't sort that out on your own, and you shouldn't have to. This worksheet won't hand you a verdict. Its job is to help you describe what's happening clearly, so you can bring it to a therapist or psychiatrist and work it out together.

If you ever feel afraid, don't wait: If you feel scared, controlled, or unsafe with your partner, that isn't a 'difference or not' question to save for an appointment. Please reach out now — to someone you trust, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788). Fear and control are not wiring differences.

What actually happens

Describe specific moments the way a camera would — what happened, what led up to it, how often. Skip the labels and conclusions for now; just the facts.

The situations

Row 1

What happens: ____________________
What leads up to it: ____________________
How often: ____________________

Row 2

What happens: ____________________
What leads up to it: ____________________
How often: ____________________

Row 3

What happens: ____________________
What leads up to it: ____________________
How often: ____________________

Anything important the table doesn't capture

______________________________________________

What each of us does

My part — what I do in these moments

______________________________________________

What my partner does

______________________________________________

What we've already tried

______________________________________________

How it lands on me

Notice the texture of it. There are no right answers here, and ticking something doesn't decide anything — it's just to talk through. Bring whatever's true.

How I feel during and afterward

______________________________________________

[ ] I can be honest with them without bracing for their reaction
[ ] I've started walking on eggshells or hiding things
[ ] I feel free to say no and have it respected
[ ] I feel smaller, more anxious, or less myself than I used to
[ ] After a rough patch, we can actually repair and reconnect

What I want to ask

You're allowed to put the question directly to your therapist or psychiatrist. Writing it down first makes it easier to say out loud.

Example: 'When this happens, I genuinely can't tell — is it a difference in how we're wired, or is it something that isn't okay? Can you help me see it clearly?'

The questions I want to bring to my therapist or psychiatrist

______________________________________________

You don't have to figure this out alone: Telling a difference from a problem is exactly the kind of thing a trained professional can help with. Bringing it in — written down and specific — gives them something real to work with, and gives you a clearer voice in the room.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

Therapy for the Neurodiverse Couple, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why standard couples therapy can misfire for neurodiverse couples, how to tell a mismatch from control, and how to find a therapist who actually fits.
A Therapist Who Gets It, from Self-Identification. How to find one, what "neuro-affirming" should mean in practice rather than on a profile page, and what a bad fit looks like early.
Neurodiverse Relationships, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Neurodiverse relationships: the double empathy problem, four couple patterns, and what helps.

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