Boundaries: From Cut-Off to Enmeshed

Boundaries are not simply on or off. They sit on a continuum. At one end a person under-functions in the relationship and pulls away; at the other a person over-functions and moves too far in. Stress tends to push people toward one end or the other. Read each row across and notice where you usually land — and where your partner usually lands — when things get hard.

The continuum, row by row

Example — : Function · Under-functioning (cut-off): Under · Healthy: Negotiate · Over-functioning (enmeshed): Over

Example — : Closeness · Under-functioning (cut-off): Cut-off · Healthy: Flexible · Over-functioning (enmeshed): Enmeshed

Example — : Boundaries · Under-functioning (cut-off): Rigid · Healthy: Clear · Over-functioning (enmeshed): Diffuse

Example — : Conflict · Under-functioning (cut-off): Avoid · Healthy: Embrace · Over-functioning (enmeshed): Avoid

Example — : Anxiety · Under-functioning (cut-off): High · Healthy: Low · Over-functioning (enmeshed): High

Example — : Confidence · Under-functioning (cut-off): Preserve self · Healthy: Confident in self and in the relationship · Over-functioning (enmeshed): Preserve the relationship

The healthy middle column has one working definition: you can disagree, and you can be different from each other, without anxiety.

Both ends are avoiding the same thing: Look at the Conflict row — cut-off and enmeshed both say Avoid, and the Anxiety row says High on both sides. The two ends are not opposite personalities. They are two exits from the same discomfort, and the middle column is not a compromise between them. It is what is left when the discomfort stops running the show.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Time Together and Apart, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. How a neurodiverse couple talks about what closeness feels like for each of them and finds a balance of time side by side, together and apart.
• Alone Time, Together Time, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why 'I need space' is a recharge, not rejection; how parallel time counts as togetherness; and how neurodiverse couples budget their time.