Erection Confidence

Most ED worksheets treat all psychogenic softening as the same anxiety loop. For ND folks it's often more nuanced: autistic shutdown, RSD spirals, sensory overload, and monotropic distraction all produce softening that LOOKS like ED but isn't. This worksheet helps you tell them apart and addresses each.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

First, rule out medical causes. See a doctor if you haven't. Identify which pattern fits. Try the four-week practice — same plan; different mental framing depending on pattern. Track what helped, what didn't.

Name

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Date

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Which pattern fits you?

Four patterns that can look like ED.

Anxiety loop: Worry thought leads to softening leads to confirming the fear leads to more anxiety. Cycle deepens with each session.

Autistic shutdown: Sensory or cognitive overload pulls energy from the body. Looks like withdrawal. Not anxiety — it's capacity. The tank is empty.

RSD spiral: Anticipated rejection (real or imagined) triggers a catastrophic emotional response. Body shuts down before sex begins.

Monotropic distraction: Brain is locked on something else — work problem, special interest, intrusive thought. Body never gets the signal that sex is happening.

• [ ] Anxiety loop
• [ ] Autistic shutdown
• [ ] RSD spiral
• [ ] Monotropic distraction

My primary pattern (more than one can be true — pick the strongest)

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4 — week practice — with ND notes

Slow. No pressure. No goal.

Week 1 — Sensate focus, clothed (15 min each side)

Anxiety: focus on counting breaths. Autistic shutdown: do this on a high-capacity day. RSD: agree that soft is fine — say it out loud first.

Week 2 — Sensate focus, unclothed (no genital touch)

Monotropic: name out loud what you are touching to bring the brain to the body. Sensory: pre-set the room (light, sound, fabric).

Week 3 — Genital touch allowed; no penetration; no climax goal

Anxiety: re-soften is fine — say it out loud. Autistic shutdown: stop early if you feel the tank emptying. Don't push through.

Week 4 — Optional brief penetration; low-stakes

All patterns: stop and connect any time. Re-soften welcome. The point is showing your nervous system that softening is not failure.

Reflection — what did this month teach me?

Each pattern needs different support: Anxiety unwinds with practice. Shutdown needs capacity. RSD needs explicit reassurance. Monotropic distraction needs an on-ramp.

My primary pattern was

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What helped most

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What I want to communicate to my partner about my pattern

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Do I want to see a doctor about possible physical causes?

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Softening is common, and treatable: Erections respond to anxiety, overload, and distraction. If physical causes are possible, a doctor's visit is a practical step, not an admission.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.
• ADHD-SIM-24 — Sex, Desire and Attention with ADHD, from ADHD Self-Discovery. How ADHD shapes attention, desire and connection, what the research really shows about risk and medication, and why this screener runs backwards.