Friendship Inventory

Mapping the relationships that hold up — and the ones that haven't.

Many late-diagnosed autistic women describe the same lonely realization: most of their friendships have been performances. The mask was on. The script was running. And once the mask comes down, some friendships can't survive it — while others get unexpectedly deeper. This worksheet is for taking honest stock. Not to dump people. To see who's actually in your life, what they cost you, and what you want to do about it.

Why friendship is harder for us

• Masked friendships are exhausting. Hours of performance for the cost of a coffee.
• Less social padding. Autistic women are often more direct, less smiling, less small-talk-fluent. That gets read as cold or rude — especially in women.
• Reciprocity is genuinely hard to read. If you can't easily detect manipulation or one-sidedness, your friend list may include people who shouldn't be on it.

What good autistic-friendly friendship can look like

• Low-stakes presence. Quiet hangs, parallel play, shared interests, no need to perform.
• Reciprocity over time. Not perfect equality on every interaction — but no person is consistently giving more than the other.
• Tolerance for your unmasked self. They've seen you tired, blunt, late, fixated, distracted. They're still here.

Who this is for

• Women who feel lonely inside busy social lives.
• Women who suspect some friendships were really mask-performances.
• Women who want to invest more deliberately in fewer, better connections.

What this is not

• A verdict on people. An obligatory friendship isn't a bad person. It's a relationship in the wrong shape.
• A reason to ghost everyone. Stepping back doesn't mean cutting off. Most friendships shift; few need to end.

A gentle note: If your inventory surfaces a relationship that's been controlling, coercive, or unsafe, that goes beyond a friendship inventory. Please bring that to a therapist or, if needed, a domestic violence resource. Autistic women are at higher risk in those relationships precisely because the social cues are harder to read.

Inventory

Who actually shows up. Map the network.

List up to twelve people who currently take up real space in your social life. Don't curate — include the energy-takers, the obligations, the close ones, the online ones. The point is to see the whole picture before deciding anything.

Quick key: Mask weight: 1 = barely · 3 = moderate · 5 = full performance. Energy: + = restores me · 0 = neutral · - = drains me. Reciprocity: Y = mutual · M = mostly one-way · N = one-sided.

People I'd call my closest

Row 1

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 2

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 3

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

People in the middle ring

Row 1

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 2

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 3

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

People who feel obligatory

Row 1

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 2

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 3

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Online friendships that matter

Row 1

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 2

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Row 3

• Person (name or initials): ____________________
• Mask weight (1-5) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5): ____________________
• Energy (+ / 0 / -): ____________________
• Reciprocity (Y / M / N): ____________________

Planning

Invest, ease back, or seek. Three small moves.

From your inventory, pick three different categories of move. Don't plan a friendship overhaul — plan three small experiments that might shift the balance over the next month or two.

What these moves can sound like

• I'd like to see you more — want to make a standing thing?
• I'm pulling back on group hangs for a while; I'll still be around for one-on-ones.
• Letting a friendship go quiet without announcing it.
• Joining one community where the unmasked version of you would already fit.
• Re-reaching out to someone you let drop — with one specific suggestion, not a vague we should catch up.

1 — One I want to invest in

Who

______________________________________________

What the move is

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What I'll say (or not say)

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

When I'll do it

e.g. e.g. this weekend

______________________________________________

2 — One I want to step back from

Who

______________________________________________

What the move is

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What I'll say (or not say)

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

When I'll do it

e.g. e.g. this weekend

______________________________________________

3 — One I want to add (or rebuild)

Who

______________________________________________

What the move is

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What I'll say (or not say)

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

When I'll do it

e.g. e.g. this weekend

______________________________________________

After

What shifted. Notice what shifted.

After you've sat with this worksheet, return to these questions. Honest answers are more useful than tidy ones. You can come back and write more later — leave space.

1 — Which friendships only worked because you were masking?

These don't have to end. But they need a renegotiation — and the new shape may be smaller.

Your reflection

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

2 — Where in your life would you find your tribe?

Other autistic women, your special-interest community, online groups, neurodivergent professional spaces, certain books and their commenters. Pick one to step into.

Your reflection

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

3 — What does a low-effort friendship look like for you?

Voice memos instead of video calls. Side-by-side reading. Texts that don't require a reply. Design what works for your nervous system.

Your reflection

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

4 — Who do you want to reach out to this week?

One person. One suggestion. Not we should catch up. Something specific.

Your reflection

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Fewer can be better: An inventory that shows two solid friendships isn't a failure. Autistic friendship is often deep and narrow. Protect what holds.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Friendship and Belonging, from The Autistic Woman. Why friendship feels like a studied language for autistic women, and how to find your people.
• Unmasking, Safely, from The Autistic Woman. Unmasking isn't all-or-nothing or always safe — a neuroaffirming guide for autistic women: the dimmer not the switch, safety mapping, and grief.
• Friends, Family, and Parenting as an ADHDer, from The Adult ADHD Course. Why ADHD friendships drift but stay revivable, parenting a brain like yours, and what helps.