I vs. We: Goals & Raw Spots

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Three connected practices that move a couple from blame toward partnership: speaking from 'I' instead of 'you,' naming the raw spot underneath a reaction, and setting goals both as individuals and as a team.

Part 1 — The 'I vs. We' Exchange

Take turns. The speaker uses the I-statement frame; the listener simply reflects back what they heard before responding. Then switch.

Partner A speaks

I feel / I would feel…

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When…

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So I would like it if… (Is that okay?)

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Partner B reflects: 'So what you said was…'

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Partner B speaks

I feel / I would feel…

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When…

______________________________________________

So I would like it if… (Is that okay?)

______________________________________________

Partner A reflects: 'So what you said was…'

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Part 2 — Raw Spots

Underneath most big reactions is a raw spot — an old, tender place. Naming it gives your partner something to be gentle with. Fill this in about a recent incident.

In this incident, the trigger for my raw feelings was when…

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On the surface, I probably showed… (e.g., anger, distance, sarcasm)

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But deep down, I just felt… (e.g., sad, ashamed, afraid)

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What I longed for was…

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The main message I got — about our relationship, about me, or about whether I'm loved — was…

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Part 3 — Goal-Setting

Each partner fills in their own goals at three levels. Then compare — the comparison is the real exercise.

My PERSONAL goals (1-3):

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My COUPLE goals (1-3):

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My FAMILY goals (1-3):

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Compare Notes

Trade lists and talk through these together.

Did any of your partner's goals surprise you?

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How do your goals complement or compete with each other's?

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How can you each contribute to achieving the other's goals?

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The first small step toward one shared goal:

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On the raw-spots language: The raw-spots idea is drawn from Emotionally Focused Therapy (Dr. Sue Johnson). The I-statement and goal-setting structures are common couples-work tools; the wording here is our own.

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

Underneath the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session under the loop for a neurodiverse couple: the deeper feeling named, said to your partner and heard, then turned into a clear request.
Your Goals, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it.
RSD and Conflict, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why small feedback can land as a huge wound — 'RSD' (a popular term, not a diagnosis), the science underneath, and how to give feedback that lands.
The Roles We Fall Into, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How couples drift into lopsided roles and the parent-child trap, and how to renegotiate around real strengths.

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