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Scheduling Skills
Scheduling intimacy isn't one skill — it's a stack. This worksheet walks couples through the eight skills that make scheduled intimacy actually work, and asks both partners to fill in their own version. The result isn't a contract (that's Worksheet 27). It's a planning tool you use weekly until the rhythm becomes natural.
Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.
How this works. Each partner fills out their own copy this week. Compare on the day of (or before) the scheduled session. Update the answers next week as you learn. Don't treat the answers as fixed.
Skill 1 — The onramp
Many ND brains can't shift directly from work-mode to intimate-mode. The onramp gives the nervous system time to switch tracks. Many couples need 30–60 minutes.
My onramp activities (walk, shower, music, dim lights, no screens)
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How long my onramp needs to be
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Skill 2 — Sensory prep
Lighting, sound, scent, sheets, temperature. Pull from your Sensory Map worksheet. Small accommodations transform what's possible.
Want this week
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Avoid this week
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Skill 3 — Invitation script
Pull a phrase from your Sample Scripts worksheet. The scripted phrase removes the cognitive load of phrasing under pressure.
My agreed invitation phrase for this week
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My agreed decline / not-now phrase
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Skill 4 — Check-in before touch
Brief 1–10 ratings before any escalation. Numbers replace the guesswork of reading body language.
Touch sensitivity today (1 off – 10 highly receptive)
Rate from 1 to 10: ____
Energy today
Rate from 1 to 10: ____
Anxiety today
Rate from 1 to 10: ____
Closeness today
Rate from 1 to 10: ____
Skill 5 — Brakes to manage
What's slowing desire today? Pull from Brakes & Accelerators or the Sexual Brakes Deep Dive.
- [ ] Stress / day's residue
- [ ] Sensory overload from earlier in the day
- [ ] Masking exhaustion
- [ ] RSD anticipation (worried about partner's reaction)
- [ ] Pain or physical discomfort
- [ ] Resentment from unrepaired hurt
Other
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What might help reduce the loudest brake before sex?
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Skill 6 — Sensate focus level
Where are you in the sensate focus progression? It's OK to repeat a step. There's no rush.
- [ ] Step 1 — Non-genital touch (clothed)
- [ ] Step 2 — Non-genital touch (unclothed)
- [ ] Step 3 — Genital touch, exploration
- [ ] Step 4 — Genital touch, pleasure
- [ ] Step 5 — Mutual touch
- [ ] Step 6 — Penetration / preferred sex (optional, only if both want it)
Skill 7 — Aftercare plan
Decide aftercare BEFORE intimacy starts. ND nervous systems can take longer to come back to baseline.
Aftercare I want today (sensory, verbal, touch, decompression)
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Skill 8 — What if it doesn't happen
Some scheduled sessions won't become sex. Plan for that ahead of time so neither partner gets hurt.
If we both want to but the energy isn't there, we will
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If one of us doesn't want to, we will
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If RSD hits, we will (refer to RSD Repair Plan)
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The schedule protects the opportunity: The schedule protects the opportunity for intimacy — not the act. Either partner can still say no on the day. When 'no' is safe, 'yes' becomes real. Spontaneous intimacy is bonus, not a substitute.
Go deeper
Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.
- Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
- Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
- Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.