Talking About Porn

This is a couples conversation guide, not an audit. The point is to make the conversation about porn possible — with a structured approach, shared language, and a clear safety frame — so couples can talk about it once instead of having the same fight five times.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

Important framing: Solo sex is not the problem. Many couples include some porn use in healthy ways. The clinical concern is when porn becomes hidden, compulsive, shame-driven, escalating, or starts replacing partnered intimacy. This conversation guide doesn't take a moral stance on porn; it helps couples identify what works for them and what doesn't.

How to use this worksheet. Fill it out separately first — alone, without your partner. Bring it to a therapy session and decide there what you want to share. You do not have to hand the sheet to your partner. The point is to think clearly before you talk, not to surrender privacy.

Step 1 — Setting up the conversation

Before you talk: agree on when, where, how long. This is high-vulnerability territory. Don't do it tired, in bed, or when one of you is dysregulated.

When and where we'll have this conversation

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How long we'll talk before pausing

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What we'll do if either of us gets dysregulated

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Step 1b — Checking in with myself (privately)

Before the conversation starts — or in the middle of it — pause and answer these for yourself. These are not for your partner.

How honest do I feel about having this conversation? (1 not at all – 10 fully)

Rate from 1 to 10: ____

How honest do I feel I can be in the conversation? (1 not at all – 10 fully)

Rate from 1 to 10: ____

Am I feeling judged in this conversation? Where, by whom, about what?

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What would I need in order to not feel judged here?

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What emotions am I feeling right now (anger, fear, shame, sadness, relief, numb, other)?

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Step 1c — Confidentiality agreement

Conversations about porn are unusually exposing. Decide together what stays between the two of you.

• [ ] We agree that what gets said in this conversation stays between us — we will not tell family, friends, or other people about it unless we both agree first.
• [ ] Exception: each of us can talk about it with our own therapist.

Exception: any other person we both name here

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Signed (initials) — Partner A

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Signed (initials) — Partner B

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Date

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Step 2 — What each partner believes (privately)

Fill out separately. Don't share until Step 3.

I think occasional solo porn use is

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I think frequent porn use is

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I think porn affects partnered intimacy by

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What I learned about porn from family / religion / culture

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What I've come to believe on my own

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Step 3 — Sharing (take turns)

Each partner shares their answers from Step 2. The other partner reflects back what they heard before responding. No defending, no debating yet — just understanding.

What surprised me about my partner's answers

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What I want to ask but haven't

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Step 4 — Current-use conversation

Only do this step if both partners are willing. The point is honesty, not interrogation. The asking partner doesn't weaponize answers; the disclosing partner gets to set the granularity (general vs. specific).

Roughly, how often does porn show up in my life right now?

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What does it usually do for me (release, sleep, decompression, escape)?

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Am I hiding any of it from my partner? If yes, what specifically?

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Have I been told the use bothers my partner? What do I do with that?

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Step 5 — Agreements

Now decide together. Agreements aren't about controlling each other; they're about reducing secrecy and protecting partnered intimacy. Make them honestly — an agreement you can't keep is worse than no agreement.

What about the current pattern works for both of us

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What we want to change about the current pattern

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What counts as 'hidden' (and what doesn't)?

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What we'll do if one of us breaks an agreement

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When we'll revisit this conversation

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Step 6 — ND considerations

For some ND people, porn use intersects with sensory regulation, hyperfocus loops, masking decompression, or demand-avoidance around partnered sex. Naming what's actually happening helps the conversation stay honest.

• [ ] Hyperfocus — I get pulled in deeper and longer than I planned.
• [ ] Sensory regulation — the routine itself is calming.
• [ ] Masking decompression — it's the only time I drop the mask.
• [ ] Demand avoidance — partnered sex feels like an obligation; solo doesn't.
• [ ] Monotropism — once it's the channel, it's hard to redirect.
• [ ] RSD — I avoid initiating partnered sex because I can't take rejection right now.

Notes / specifics

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Step 7 — Aftercare for this conversation

Conversations about porn often leave one or both partners raw. Plan ahead for what you'll do next.

How we'll support each other in the next 24 hours

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Anything we don't want to revisit until our next session

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If this is hard: Compulsive sexual behavior is treatable, and so is the partner-injury that comes with hidden use. If the conversation stalls, escalates, or feels unsafe, bring it to a therapist who works with sexual behavior and couples.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Trust and the Resentment Backlog, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How trust erodes in a neurodiverse couple, why lying is often shame not malice, and how to mend.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.