Click Here for Plain Text Version
The 1-5 Scale
A shared vocabulary for emotion intensity, volume, tone, and touch.
Naming feelings is hard. Naming the intensity of a feeling, in a way your partner will understand, can be even harder. The 1-5 Scale gives you a small shared vocabulary you can lean on when words are slow to arrive.
How to use a scale
- Define the scale together on a calm day, ahead of time.
- Use it in the moment when something would be faster as a number than as a sentence.
- Adjust by request, not by argument. 'That was a 4. I need a 2.' Not 'you're being too loud.'
What you can scale
- Emotion intensity — 1 = pretty calm, 5 = overwhelmed.
- Volume — 1 = whisper, 5 = the loudest you go.
- Tone — 1 = gentle, 5 = sharp.
- Touch — 1 = barely there, 5 = firm.
- Word choice — 1 = soft and neutral, 5 = strong and charged.
A gentle note: A number is a check-in, not a verdict. If your partner says they're at a 4, the right next move is usually to ask what they need — not to argue with the number.
Emotion intensity
Level 1 — what does this feel like?
______________________________________________
Level 2
______________________________________________
Level 3
______________________________________________
Level 4
______________________________________________
Level 5
______________________________________________
Volume
Level 1 — what does this sound like?
______________________________________________
Level 2
______________________________________________
Level 3
______________________________________________
Level 4
______________________________________________
Level 5
______________________________________________
Tone
Level 1
______________________________________________
Level 2
______________________________________________
Level 3
______________________________________________
Level 4
______________________________________________
Level 5
______________________________________________
Touch
Level 1
______________________________________________
Level 2
______________________________________________
Level 3
______________________________________________
Level 4
______________________________________________
Level 5
______________________________________________
Reflect
Which scale do you think you'll use most often?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
Where did you and your partner most disagree on what a level meant?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
When will you use it for the first time?
______________________________________________
Use the numbers mid-moment: The scale only helps if it gets used while things are happening. 'I'm at a four' is a complete sentence.
Go deeper
Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.
- Where You Misread Each Other, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session where a neurodiverse couple finds where they guess each other's feelings wrong, in both directions, and writes down what was true.
- Co-Regulation as a Couple, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How two nervous systems settle each other — why co-regulation can misfire across neurotypes, and how to build a calm the two of you can borrow.
- Two Operating Systems, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why neurodiverse partners misread each other, and why the answer is to translate, not fix.