The Friend Test

Most of us speak to ourselves in a voice we'd never use on someone we care about. The double-standard technique uses that gap on purpose: if you'd never say it to a friend, it probably isn't a fair thing to say to yourself either.

What I said to myself

The harsh thought, exactly as I said it to me

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Now a friend says it about themselves

Imagine someone you care about said this exact thing about their own situation.

What I'd genuinely say back to them

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Notice the gap

How different are those two responses?

Rate from 0 (The same) to 10 (Worlds apart): ____

Borrow your own kindness

The friend-version, turned toward me

______________________________________________

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The gap is the clue: A big gap doesn't mean you're a hypocrite — it means you already have the fairer standard. You just aren't pointing it at yourself yet.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Self-Esteem, Identity, and Late Diagnosis, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why misunderstanding erodes neurodivergent self-worth, what late diagnosis really feels like, and how to reauthor your story.
• Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, honestly: what it is, and what helps.
• Systems, Habits, and Self-Compassion, from The Adult ADHD Course. How to make self-compassion the engine that keeps your habits and systems running.