The Noticing Log

Before anything changes, it helps to see the thing clearly. For one week, you are going to catch five moments where something got tight between you and someone else — and write down what happened inside you, not what they did wrong.

Nothing to fix this week: This is deliberately a no-changes week. You are not going to respond better, communicate more clearly, or hold it together longer. You are only going to notice. Trying to fix and trying to see at the same time tends to produce neither.

Five entries is plenty. Three is fine. Write them soon after the moment rather than at the end of the week, when everything has smoothed over into one blur.

What goes in each entry

Six short things

• Situation — what was happening, in one line. No motives.
• Body signal — the first physical thing you noticed. Jaw, chest, stomach, heat in the face, hands, going floaty or far away.
• Story about me — the sentence that ran about yourself.
• Story about them — the sentence that ran about the other person.
• Urge — what you wanted to do right then, before you decided anything.
• One thing that helped — if anything did. Blank is a real answer.

One filled-in entry: Situation: asked about the weekend plan for the third time. Body signal: shoulders up, breath high in my chest. Story about me: I'm the annoying one again. Story about them: they've already decided and are managing me. Urge: shut down. What helped: went outside for four minutes and it dropped by half.

Notice the two separate story lines. Most of us only ever report the second one. The first one is usually the one doing the damage.

Your log

Fill a row each time. Keep them short — a line each, not a paragraph. If a box is blank because you genuinely did not notice, leave it blank; that is information too.

This week's entries

Row 1

• Situation: ____________________
• Body signal: ____________________
• Story about me: ____________________
• Story about them: ____________________
• Urge (Argue / Shut down / Leave / Fix it / Something else): ____________________
• One thing that helped: ____________________

Row 2

• Situation: ____________________
• Body signal: ____________________
• Story about me: ____________________
• Story about them: ____________________
• Urge (Argue / Shut down / Leave / Fix it / Something else): ____________________
• One thing that helped: ____________________

Row 3

• Situation: ____________________
• Body signal: ____________________
• Story about me: ____________________
• Story about them: ____________________
• Urge (Argue / Shut down / Leave / Fix it / Something else): ____________________
• One thing that helped: ____________________

Row 4

• Situation: ____________________
• Body signal: ____________________
• Story about me: ____________________
• Story about them: ____________________
• Urge (Argue / Shut down / Leave / Fix it / Something else): ____________________
• One thing that helped: ____________________

Row 5

• Situation: ____________________
• Body signal: ____________________
• Story about me: ____________________
• Story about them: ____________________
• Urge (Argue / Shut down / Leave / Fix it / Something else): ____________________
• One thing that helped: ____________________

Look back at the week

Read your five rows side by side before you answer these. You are looking for the thing that repeats, not the worst single moment.

Which body signal showed up most often? How early did it arrive compared to the rest?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Was there one sentence about yourself that kept coming back, in slightly different words?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Was there one sentence about the other person that kept coming back?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Looking back with a cool head — how often did the story about them turn out to be the whole truth?

Rate from 0 (Almost never) to 10 (Almost always): ____

Which urge was most common for you?

e.g. argue, shut down, leave, fix

______________________________________________

Anything in the "what helped" column worth doing on purpose next time?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

How many minutes, roughly, between the first body signal and the reaction? (0–120)

____

That number is the size of your window. It is usually bigger than people expect, and it gets bigger once you know what to watch for.

Bring it in

Worth saying out loud in your next session

• The body signal that arrives first.
• The repeating sentence about yourself.
• The one entry you almost did not write down.
• Any entry where the story about them turned out to be wrong, and what it cost.

• [ ] I have five entries (or three honest ones).
• [ ] I did not try to fix anything this week.

The body files it first: Your jaw knew before your mouth did. Once you can name the signal that arrives first, you are no longer choosing between reacting and not reacting — you are choosing a few minutes earlier, where there is actually room to choose.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Naming the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Draw one ordinary fight as a loop, tell a shutdown from stonewalling, name the pattern, and agree on a pause with a time to come back.
• Meltdowns, Shutdowns, and the Partner's Role, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Telling a meltdown from a shutdown from an argument, the iceberg of load beneath the trigger, what helps in the moment, and the plan you build in advance.
• The Neurodivergent Nervous System, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Interoception, the autonomic ladder, and your window of tolerance — why neurodivergent systems react harder and recover slower.